How to Talk Politics at Thanksgiving Dinner
A bold new approach to the challenges of the Information Age
Welcome back to Geoff Rodkey’s Bad Advice! I promise this column isn’t about politics.
It’s about happiness. Specifically, yours. No matter who you voted for, or how annoying your relatives are, reading this will improve your holidays.
Here’s the question, sent by a high school friend in the Midwest:
“What are your tips for peacefully making it through the holiday family gatherings in this politically charged climate? Should I let people spew the made-up news that their friend shared with them on social media without correcting them, should I agree with every crackpot political theory from the fringes, should I not respond as clear lies are stated as facts, or should I give up and let the fur fly?”
- In a Swing State of Agitation
I’ve seen versions of this asked and answered in the media, over and over again for years. But nobody ever seems to come up with a satisfying solution.
Until now.
First, let’s take a step back and consider how this got to be such a common problem.
It’s not that we disagree with our relatives about politics. In a functioning democracy, arguing over what our government’s goals should be and how to achieve them is actually a sign of civic health.
It’s also very boring. Which is why political fights at Thanksgiving dinner used to be a lot less frequent.
Then all of a sudden, almost exactly eight years ago, politics got DRAMATICALLY LESS BORING FOR EVERYBODY.
Around the same time, political arguments began expanding to include not just opinions, but facts. Instead of fighting over whether a politician should’ve done thing XYZ, we’re now getting stuck on questions that used to not be questions at all. Like whether thing XYZ even happened, and/or is part of a shadowy conspiracy to destroy America from within.
With apologies for stating the obvious, this is partly (maybe even mostly) the result of a major paradigm shift in the way human society transmits information. To make a long story short,
The attention economy fried our brains.
The rise of social media and the fragmentation of the news environment into a vast, chaotic ocean of thousands of competing voices all screaming for attention via algorithmic feeds engineered to keep us staring at them for as long as possible…has really messed with our heads.
Our modest-upgrade-from-a-chimpanzee brains just weren’t built to process a 24/7 firehose of information, much of it sensationalized, impossible to verify, and delivered via a glowing slab in our pocket that was purpose-built for addiction.
Just so we can get through the day without being driven insane, every one of us has been forced to create (sometimes consciously, sometimes not) our own personal filter bubble that limits our news intake to sources we’ve chosen to trust.
The problem as it relates to Thanksgiving dinner is that the sources we trust often don’t even exist in the filter bubbles that our relatives have built, and vice versa.
And because our own filters have primed us to believe that the people in those other bubbles aren’t just wrong, but dangerous, when they start popping off about what sounds to us like made-up nonsense, it’s a real struggle not to lose our shit.
Is there any way to unscrew this pooch? Can we somehow find a path back to a shared sense of reality and a less reflexively antagonistic politics?
Nope.
I mean, it’ll probably happen at some point. Just not in our lifetime.
Because major paradigm shifts like this take forever to shake out. The printing press eventually led to the scientific revolution, but not before it gave us three hundred years of witch hunts.
So if history’s any judge, things will get worse before they get better.
But don’t let the fact that you can’t solve a civilization-wide epistemological crisis discourage you! Because this holiday meal problem of yours is totally fixable.
It’s a two-step solution:
Step 1: Whatever you do, don’t argue.
You’ve got about as good a shot at puncturing your relatives’ filter bubbles as they have of puncturing yours.
That’s none, right? Like, is there any chance you’re going to walk away from the dinner table having been persuaded by your drunk uncle that the narrative framework through which you understand how the world works—the story in your head about America and its politics that you’ve spent years not just constructing, but getting emotionally invested in—might be wrong? Even a little bit?
If nothing he says could change your mind, there’s probably nothing you can say that’ll change his. And even talking about it is just going to make everybody upset. Especially you.
I realize that’s kind of a depressing reality. Also, there might be other things about reality that are making you depressed right now.
But those are mostly out of your control. And for your own mental health, it’s really, really important to focus on the things you CAN control.
Like your *perception* of reality. That’s the real key to a happy holiday season.
Step 2: Create your own reality!
Quit letting facts control your feelings, and start using your feelings to control the facts.
Here’s a good place to start: if you could pick anybody on earth to be president, who would it be? Figure out your answer, then make that person the president in your head.
For me, it’s Kurt Vonnegut. Thoughtful guy. Great values. Served in the military. Outstanding public speaker. Also, dead.
That’s not an obstacle. Case in point: you and I have a mutual friend from high school. I just checked, and you’re still Facebook friends with him, although the algorithm might be hiding his posts from you because there’s thirty of them a day and they’re pretty deranged. Per several of his recent updates, our friend sincerely believes that the current president was executed for treason in 2022 and replaced by an actor.
Go check out this guy’s stuff, but don’t get bogged down in the details. They’re not important, unless you come across a conspiracy theory you like enough to adopt for yourself.
Instead, focus on the emotional subtext. Doesn’t he seem UNUSUALLY HAPPY, even when he’s talking about secret mass arrests? Whatever universe he’s living in, I think it might really be working for him. And it can work for you, too.
Try it! Come up with the most comforting version of reality you can imagine. Then just keep repeating it to yourself until it starts to seem real. It’ll feel awkward at first. But eventually, it’ll be like slipping into a warm bath of motivated reasoning.
Is this kind of magical thinking bad for society? It sure is! But it’s good for YOU. And that’s what we’re trying to solve for here.
Besides, what’s the alternative? Trying to persuade your drunk uncle that his information diet’s been slowly brain-poisoning him for years, and the people he’s dead certain want to destroy the country not only love America as much as he does, but might occasionally be right about something? (Not always. But occasionally.)
Do you really believe you can pull that off over a three-hour meal? Who do you think you are, Wonder Woman?
That’d be totally fine, by the way. I’d actually encourage it. Just don’t go twirling your magic lasso in public, because people might get judgmental.
This approach isn’t limited to politics. You can apply it to anything. I’m a Chicago Bears fan, and for most of the last forty years, it’s been a real exercise in futility.
Not anymore!
After the Bears lost to the Commanders last month on a heartbreaking last-second Hail Mary that never would’ve worked if head coach Matt Eberflus hadn’t inexplicably failed to call a time out before the play to properly set his defense, I made a clean break with the past.
After years of feebly blaming the Bears’ ownership for their inability to evaluate coaching talent, I took the reins and fired Eberflus myself. I also made it retroactive. He hasn’t coached the team since January. In fact, he’s currently in Guantanamo Bay, facing the same military tribunal that just executed offensive coordinator Shane Waldron.
In my universe, Jim Harbaugh’s been coaching the Bears all season. And they’re not 4-6. They’re 8-2.
They aren’t 10-0, because come on! I’m not delusional.
But they’re definitely going to beat the Lions on Thanksgiving.
Can’t wait for the game! Going to be a great holiday. Just like yours.
Thanks for reading! In the spirit of the season, if you enjoyed this installment of Geoff Rodkey’s Bad Advice, please share it with others. And if you haven’t subscribed yet, here’s a nifty button that makes it easy:
And please send me questions! I can’t do this without you. Happy Thanksgiving!
Should I build that castle in the sky just for the holidays or can I live there year round?