You Can't Out-Cute a Cavapoo

But you can probably outsmart him

Welcome back to Geoff Rodkey’s Bad Advice! Today’s question comes from A.W., a husband and recent pet owner in Brooklyn. If I gave him a fake pseudonym, it’d be “Doggedly Jealous.”

Our family got a cavapoo during the pandemic. We all love the dog, but my wife REALLY loves the dog. The kids and I are starting to feel uncomfortable. How can we win her back? Thanks for your help!

First of all, you’re welcome! It sounds like you really need my help. Or somebody’s.

If I’m understanding you correctly, your problem is that you and the kids are feeling a certain alienation of affection from your wife. There’s something you used to get from her—attention, hugs, possibly meal preparation?—that you’re no longer getting, because it’s all going to the dog instead. 

That must be painful, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. But at the risk of engaging in victim-blaming, let’s take a step back and examine this from your wife’s point of view. 

Human relationships, and also human-dog relationships, are a two-way street. They only thrive when they enrich both parties. For your wife to have pivoted so dramatically from you and the kids to the dog says to me there’s something she used to get from YOU—unconditional love, active listening, maybe just warm cuddles?—that she’s now getting from the dog.

Whatever it is she thought she needed out of your relationship, the dog just turns out to be better at delivering it than you are. 

This is a pretty grim situation, to which there are only two solutions. 

Solution #1: raise your game.

Win back your wife by increasing the absolute value of your companionship.

Demand less and offer more, both emotionally and practically. Shoulder a bigger share of the domestic responsibilities. Make sure the kids are pulling their weight around the house. 

Become a better version of yourself. Be the guy she thought she was marrying! Kinder, more interesting. Or at least cuddlier. 

Let’s be honest, though: that’s a daunting challenge, and you’re probably not up to it. Even your best effort might be doomed to fail, given the strength of your adversary. Cavapoos are cute as hell. Just look at this punim!

If it was a less charismatic dog, like a miniature greyhound or a standard poodle, I’d like your odds a lot better. Not with this guy. Get in a one-on-one against him, and you’re cooked.

So I think your only hope is to pursue the alternative.

Solution #2: undermine the dog. 

Drive a wedge between him and your wife. Introduce an element of doubt to their relationship, then turn up the heat.

This won’t be easy, either. But you have a huge built-in advantage: your dog, like most dogs, is probably stupid. And also lacks opposable thumbs, which I’m guessing you have. 

You need to leverage these assets. For example: does your dog poop outside? Use your opposable thumbs to surreptitiously bring the poop back inside. Leave it someplace where your wife will find it and blame the dog. 

This is actually a twofer, because while you’re undermining the dog, you’ll also be getting credit for walking him.

Does the dog bite? Probably not, but I bet your kids do. Enlist them as allies. Get whichever one has the smaller bite radius to tear a hunk out of his brother’s lower leg, then frame the dog for the attack. 

I don’t want to minimize the trauma involved in this strategy. It’s going to leave scars on everybody in the household, especially the kid who gets bitten. But so would a divorce. 

Good luck! And thanks for your interest in my bad advice. Please feel free to share it with others, and keep the questions coming! I can’t do this without them.